Things I Only Understood
Years Later
Some things don't make sense while they're happening. You just live through them.
Some things don't make sense while they're happening. You just live through them. It's only with distance — sometimes a lot of it — that the shape of the thing becomes obvious, and you go "oh. That's what that was."
A few of mine:
That the friends who canceled plans the most were also the ones who never once asked how I was actually doing.
That "I'm just built different" was doing a lot of work to avoid saying "I don't know how to ask for help."
That my mom saying "call me when you arrive" wasn't a small part of the relationship. It was most of it.
That I wasn't bad at that subject. I was being taught by someone who genuinely couldn't teach.
That "you've changed" was usually said by the people who needed me to stay exactly as useful to them as I used to be.
That the year I thought I wasted was actually the year I learned what I didn't want, which turned out to matter more than I gave it credit for at the time.
That the silence after I said no to someone wasn't disappointment. It was just them recalculating what I was for.
That half of what I called "not caring" back then was just exhaustion wearing a more acceptable name.
That confident people don't feel less awkward than everyone else. They just decided the awkward wasn't going to be the thing that stopped them.
What's one of yours? The specific, small ones count more than the big obvious ones — drop it below.
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