Rant

   I know I intended for this to be an aesthetic, somewhat scripted, almost too perfect space to relax and... well, get lost for a little bit in a "pinteresty" website. But guess what? Life is real and it comes with real problems.

  Let's talk body positivity. Personally, I'm proud of how far the world has come with being more accepting of and being kind to our plus size and curvy sisters. That is what girlhood should look like, right? Unfortunately, there is another side to this story. One often overlooked, downplayed and outrightly disregarded as ingratitude. "You are just fishing for compliments", they say. "Girl, why are you complaining? You have nothing to complain about" they say. All without experiencing firsthand what you go through. All without considering that you may actually have feelings that could be hurt by those types of comments. 

   But let's be real. I fully understand that this whole situation boils down to culture and well... context. But the painful emotions and second-guessing do not. The body dysmorphia and anxiety and overthinking that hit you full-on are universal, intense and downright jarring.

   What am I going on and on about? Being a small, slim, petite girl or woman where I come from. For the sake of context and culture appropriation, I am Ghanaian. I was born in Ghana. I grew up in Ghana. I live in Ghana. 

    Ghanaians are lovely people. I do not just say that because I am one. I may be slightly biased with regard to this take but let's be honest, facts are facts. I love Ghanaians and I love being Ghanaian. However, I have noticed an upholding and idealizing of a beauty standard and a desire or preference of a woman to be thick and curvy. It might come as a surprise or a culture shock to my diasporan readers. You may think, " Well isn't that a good thing?", "Love the intentionality towards body positivity!"

     I mean, I'm all for it too. Women are beautiful in every single way. Literal ethereal creatures. Goddesses. Beauty personified. Each and every one, a queen in her own right.

    Right. Let's retrace our steps to the issue here. Being a small, slim, petite girl in Ghana. As a personification of all three, I have experienced, noticed and overthought lot of things. People just assume you are not healthy just because you don't look like the "ideal" body type. "Are you eating properly?", "Are you sick? You look like you've lost weight", "Why are you going to the gym, you're... (there's always an awkward pause) slim (they remembered not to say skinny, hurrah)". Remarks like these fly around all the time. Personally, they used to bounce off me. But now they anchor deep into my consciousness and leave me overthinking and brooding on that for days.

     Trying to express your feelings about these types of attitudes and comments almost never goes down well. Especially when they are friends, family or people close to you. It hurts when you gather the courage and morale to say, - "I really don't like it when you talk about my weight in that way", "I feel uncomfortable when you speak of my physique like that", "I feel hurt when you joke about how I look"- and they just brush you off. Imagine being in such a situation and you are told, " Oh, it was just a joke". It was just a joke? Tell that to my growing body dysmorphia. Tell that to my budding social awkwardness. Tell that to my journal when I cover up a whole page with my emotions. Tell that to my pillow when I cry into it at night.

     Yes, it really is that deep. 

     Learning to love oneself is a journey. A testing one at that. Having one less thing to worry about would be really appreciated. I know not what ranting here would do. But you have read it. Now you know. Do with it what you want. But know that not all insecurity looks the way we expect it to.

                                                                                                                                              Yours,

                                                                                                                                              or not,

                                                                                                                                              Jornaled.